Dear Cardiff

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LP
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Dear Cardiff

Postby LP » Wed Apr 17, 2013 9:31 am

I note with disappointment that someone has finally administered the Heimlich Maneuver to your club, and dislodged whatever if was that caused you to choke hilariously around this time of the year. Every year.

Aware that we both have Malaysian owners, we thought that we would share what we have learnt and save you the trouble of doing any real preparation for the Premier League.

A fairly reliable source suggests you might have £25m to spend... http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/22178085. It is with this in mind, that I suggest we stick to the following plan.

1) You have to realise that your Championship players are simply not up to it. Therefore we will take Heidar Helguson, Tommy Smith, and Matthew Connolly back from you on free transfers, and provide you with - what I'm sure you will agree with, is a significant upgrade - in Bobby Zamora (£4m), Shaun Wright-Phillips (£4m) and Anton Ferdinand (£2m). They've played for England, so they must be good.

2) You will need a tough-tackling, no-nonsense midfielder. Someone who you would want on your side in a scrap, someone to galvanise the team spirit in the camp and get the best out of those around him. He's intellectual too, just like some of your fans. He knows the Premier League. Oh, and he's played for England too. We could flog him to a big team in France, but as we're friends - we'll let you have him for £5m. Give a warm welcome, to your Joey Barton. A replacement for Peter Whittingham, who we'll take on a free transfer. It's only fair.

3) As you will no doubt have learned from your successful and popular re-branding, the Asian market is key. Your up-and-coming midfielder Mr. Kim is a start (we'll take him by the way (free transfer, naturally)), but you need a superstar. The Korean David Beckham. He's won the Champions League, he's won the Premier League, just think what he could do for your club. Arrange a special press conference, I've got you Park Ji-Sung! £4m.

4) Finally - or at least, until January - we notice you've still got that guy with grey hair playing in defence (you can give him to us via the veteran footballer scrappage scheme). You need a younger model. Someone who - you guessed it, has won the Champions League. And the Premier League. He's not English though, so why not add a little continental flair to your side with £1m José Bosingwa. Comes complete with pram full of toys at no extra charge.

But wait! That's not all! The quality of these players is not to be underestimated, you will of course need a top, top manager to get the best out of them. Someone who has won everything as a player in England, someone who has played for Barcelona - so you know he's good. Someone who prepares meticulously and will never put you in a position at the bottom of the league so long as he is at your club. His personality and charm shines like a gleaming, week-old turd. He's got contacts too, he can attract the kind of players that you can currently only dream of and best of all - get this - he's WELSH. Just like you! Fanfare please, for once he's finished interviewing your board, it's Mark Hughes (£5m pay-off)!

Remember, these players are not available in ANY shops. Call now to guarantee disappointment.

Oh, and go f*** yourselves :P

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UxbridgeR
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Postby UxbridgeR » Wed Apr 17, 2013 9:34 am

Lovely stuff :like

And I really would like to see us sign Whittingham.
Tell people something they know already and they will thank you for it. Tell them something new and they will hate you for it.

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Postby Trojan » Wed Apr 17, 2013 9:43 am

That was funny. I wonder, if Tony had completely changed our badge and made us play in red would we still support our QPR?
Sorry in advance.

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Postby rodney_trotter79 » Wed Apr 17, 2013 9:44 am

Take a bow LP, very funny!! :lol:

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BetaCam
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Postby BetaCam » Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:38 am

aniclap aniclap aniclap

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Montag
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Postby Montag » Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:05 am

Love it!! :lol:
Serfs ye were and serfs ye shall remain.....until Doomsday.......Richard II, 1381)

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Esox Lucius
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Postby Esox Lucius » Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:11 am

Trojan wrote:That was funny. I wonder, if Tony had completely changed our badge and made us play in red would we still support our QPR?

We play in red at most away matches these days.
It's not the despair that will kill you, it's the hope.

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Hillhoopm
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Postby Hillhoopm » Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:39 am

Great stuff LP. aniclap aniclap

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Danish Ranger
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Postby Danish Ranger » Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:19 pm

finally a post which made me laugh :lol:

Trojan
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Postby Trojan » Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:19 pm

Esox Lucius wrote:
Trojan wrote:That was funny. I wonder, if Tony had completely changed our badge and made us play in red would we still support our QPR?

We play in red at most away matches these days.


Would you be happy for the red kit to be our home kit and the sky blue one for our away and the badge have a lion on it?
Sorry in advance.

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Postby Loan Ranger » Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:48 pm

even when said in jest, its a sad reason we are where we are.

good fun though.
Didn't like the Premiership anyway.

Loan Ranger, Hi Ho Silver, Away!

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Esox Lucius
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Postby Esox Lucius » Wed Apr 17, 2013 1:01 pm

Trojan wrote:
Esox Lucius wrote:
Trojan wrote:That was funny. I wonder, if Tony had completely changed our badge and made us play in red would we still support our QPR?

We play in red at most away matches these days.


Would you be happy for the red kit to be our home kit and the sky blue one for our away and the badge have a lion on it?

I am not even happy that we have to play our home games in blue & white bands.
It's not the despair that will kill you, it's the hope.

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Esox Lucius
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Postby Esox Lucius » Wed Apr 17, 2013 1:03 pm

I'm nicking that for the FB banter page. I'll give credit.. V. funny.
It's not the despair that will kill you, it's the hope.

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Esox Lucius
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Postby Esox Lucius » Wed Apr 17, 2013 1:30 pm

Esox Lucius wrote:I'm nicking that for the FB banter page. I'll give credit.. V. funny.

10 likes already and even a Cardiff fan who thinks it is funny. Well done LP.
It's not the despair that will kill you, it's the hope.

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PeterS
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Postby PeterS » Wed Apr 17, 2013 1:42 pm

No point in having a post of the season award, this is it, hands down


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